There was a time in my life where I was constantly looking over my shoulder. I lived with a secret and was afraid of being found out. I hid in the shadows when the light came around so that no one could see I was struggling. I was ashamed of the things I had done and the life I was living. I thought there was no one out there that could understand me.

I was wrong.

Are you good at keeping Secrets?

Do you have a bunch of secrets you are keeping right now? Maybe all of your secrets are in a box in the back of your closet. You probably haven’t opened that box in years. You have kept your secrets hidden so no one can know your weaknesses. You’ve put on a happy face so that the world can know you are doing “okay”.

Secrets are great and all when you are planning proposals, surprise parties, or gifts, but if you are hiding something that will damage you as a person then that’s something not worth keeping.

Choices.

We all make choices. The reason we have choices to make is because we are human. Being human is awesome. The fact that we get to decide what we can do with our lives is a huge blessing because if we didn’t then we would be mindless robots. I for one am really glad- I am not a robot. Robots and I never really got along anyways.

Being human also means we make the wrong choices. Sometimes we mess up really bad. Sometimes we even fail. As humans we might even fail the ones we love. Failing the ones, we love can not only hurt them, but it can also hurt us.

Even though our bad choices can hurt others, it doesn’t mean that we should shut other people out of our lives. Just because we have messed up a lot, it doesn’t mean that we should push people away, with the fear of hurting them.

Accepting the Consequences

Believe it or not, our wrong choices can cause conflict. We eventually have to confess to what we’ve done no matter how long you have kept your mistake a secret.

I kept my secret for about ten years. No one knew a thing, because after that much time of keeping secrets, I learned how to hide my feelings and problems. I had made lots of mistakes. I knew that I had hurt a lot of people.

My senior year of high school, Jesus had convicted me that I was living a lie. It was like he had taken my heart out of my chest and showed me all of the darkness within it. The light was reaching out to me, but I was resisting it. The light I had once known, the light I had grown up loving. The light I had danced around in while playing outside as a child, I was now trying to escape.

I knew what I had to do. I had to confess, but the darkness wouldn’t let me. It had me entangled in its web of lies.

No one needs to know.

No one will ever understand you.

No one really cares.

You see the darkness will pull you in. It will not show you a way out. There is a light at the end of every tunnel, but if you aren’t willing to seek it then you’ll never escape.

My junior year of college, I finally found the light. Why did it take this long? I will never know, but God has a plan for everything, and I will not question it.

I finally brought forth all of my sin and mistakes that I had been trying so hard to keep hidden from everyone.

When I brought everything to the light, it was like I had been swimming underwater for too long. I finally decided to come up air. I could finally breathe. The amount of freedom I felt was overwhelming. The love of Jesus was rushing over me like a flood, but I wasn’t drowning, I was floating in a sea of endless mercy.

Even though I have confessed and been set free, it doesn’t mean my life has been better. My life has had its share of trials and tribulations, but the burden of my secret and shame is gone. I still struggle, but the difference between now and then is that I actually ask  for help. I seek guidance instead of hiding my box of shame in the closet of secrets. I have cleaned my closet of secrets out. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort and time to clean up of the mess we have created, but it is all worth it in the end.

No Longer Yours

I came back from my semester abroad in Mexico last year and I began to struggle again. Satan tried to make me question my self-worth. I hadn’t struggled with anything for three years so to have things from my past come back up was like being slapped in the face with regret. Jesus reminded me that I am no longer that person. When He died on the cross he forgave all my sins not just a few, but ALL of them.

Sometimes when we are having a good run at life, the devil likes to throw things at us to remind us of a time when we messed up and made life super bad. When this happens just remind the devil or remind the person that is doing this to you that you are no longer the same person. When you brought your struggle to the light, you are saying that it is no longer your problem anymore! When you finally ask for help, you are shaking that burden off your shoulders and letting it go with the wind.

Let it go and let it fly. It is no longer yours. Its God’s. You don’t have to tread those waters anymore.

Nothing Else to Hide

In July, I went to a music festival called Light the way. Kari Jobe led music one night and let me just tell you it was freakin’ awesome. When Kari Jobe leads music, its like Jesus has swept all of his children up into his arms and takes you straight to the throne room of heaven. I am not sure what it is about her style of worship leading, the music, her voice, the lyrics, her vulnerability? But all I know is that night I felt as if I was at the feet of Jesus and he could see me inside and out.

You see everyone I was with, my friends and family knew about my struggles and weaknesses, but Jesus truly knew me better. Jesus knew me like no one else did.

The music was playing and Kari was singing a song called, “Forever”. I absolutely lost it during that song. Not like lost my mind but lost my emotion. I began to cry, because Jesus, the king of the heaven and earth, the one who made the stars, the animals, gave the oceans their unfathomable depths, had decided to put me on the earth that night so that I could be reminded of his never ending love and mercy. I stood there arms spread wide and eyes streaming with tears feeling overwhelmed.

I felt completely exposed. I stood there in the presence of the living God knowing that he knew all of my sin past, present, and future and yet he decided to love me for who I am now and not for what I had done or will do. I stood there completely unashamed. He saw me as his child. The one he chose to die for, and the one he loved unconditionally.

I had nothing else to hide because Jesus saw me as perfect and flawless. Jesus had thrown my sins to the far corners of the earth. He didn’t remember them. And if he wouldn’t then neither would I.

The lights from the stage flooded my eyes. I was fully exposed with nothing to hide in the presence of a living God and I wasn’t ashamed. I wasn’t going to run away. I was just going to run into his arms.

And that’s exactly what I did.

“If you’re here and someone has told you that we have a God with rules and regulations then I am sorry because someone has lied to you! We have a God who has no regulations or rules, but all he wants to do is love you unconditionally. His mercy is never-ending. You are forgiven and you have been set free! Will you join me in making Jesus Lord of your life today?”

-Kari Jobe