Flower buds are starting to grow on the dogwood tree that grows outside my window. The snow has been lightly falling here and there, but I know that spring is just around the corner. The seasons will be changing soon, but I feel as if I have been changing more rapidly than they have. There are some things about myself I do not completely understand. I am growing, I am changing as the days go on.

I used to not get lonely. I used to be the person that would thrive off of alone time. I enjoyed being by myself because there was no one I would have to rely on. Only me.  There was no one I would have to argue with, try to make plans with. When I was alone, I knew I could completely be myself. There was no one who could see me (or so I thought) have crazy dance parties in my room or jam out to Tori Kelly in my car.  But now things are changing and I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t have as much fun spending time with myself as I used to. I thought I was better on my own and I could handle life on my own. But I guess God has a different plan.

After years of being content as a single woman, the loneliness decided to creep into my heart. I have found my heart longing to be with someone which if you know me and I mean really know me, you will know that is not like me. A few months ago, my heart started to get heavy with loneliness and I wasn’t sure how to handle all of the thoughts and feelings that came with it.

I said a long time ago in a blog I recently wrote called Embracing Singleness, that I was happy being single. Well, I still am, but God has placed a desire on my heart for more. I desire to be loved by a husband who would love me as much as Jesus loves his church.  I desire to be loved by a husband who would love me for all my awkwardness and weird introvertness. I have the desire to be a mother and raise my own children in a home where they can know they are loved and know serving Jesus is the most important thing in the world. I have so many desires that overwhelm my thoughts and keep me awake at night. I often do not know what to do with them. That’s when I begin to pray.

When I began to pray about all of it, I did not know where to start. I had never prayed for a future anything before. I simply just started to ask God for help on how to pray and explained how I was feeling. I did not understand all of these new feelings and thoughts.

I still don’t. I felt ashamed. I had been so big on being an independent woman who didn’t need no man and I often gave other girls advice on how it was awesome being single. When these new desires came into my heart, I felt bad because they rushed in like a tidal wave crashing against the shore. I hid the way I felt inside for a long time. I didn’t share it with anyone about my thoughts.

But that’s when Jesus stepped in and wrapped his arms around me. He reminded me of his neverending, never-failing love. He also reminded me that it’s okay to pray for the things that are on our hearts. That’s why Jesus is there. He wants to hear our prayers, no matter how long or weird they are. Jesus reminded me that God has a future planned for me, but I just need to be patient and wait on his timing.

God’s timing can be the hardest to wait on. I am probably the most impatient person in the world, seriously, just ask my parents or my friends. So waiting for something that I have been praying for is a difficult task for me. But I know God will provide the strength I need to endure this.

If you are currently praying for something, whether it be a future husband, child, job, or a sickness to be healed please just know that He hears you. Jesus really hears you. You may not get the answer you want or in the time span that you want, but he hears your prayers. You are not alone. You do not have to take on life alone.

Winter will melt away and Spring will come. Flowers will bloom into beautiful things. The flower buds on the dogwood tree outside my window will soon grow beautiful white flowers. Changes comes and may go quickly like the wind, but I will take the time to embrace it.